The spooky adventure of Doomfist and Dva
by PsYchRoxx
Summary: Doomfist happens around an old house filled with spooky sounds and what not everything you'd expect from a haunted places but that's no match for the might of Doomfist! He doesn't give a shit, and neither does Dva ( Warning: Mature language because Doomfist doesn't give a fuck.)
1. Chapter 1

"Well that's just fucking brilliant. Look at this cliche-ass mess of a house." Doomfist and his companion, Dva, stood before a large, battered old house, atop an abnormally steep hill.

"This IS pretty cliche, I have to admit. Even the shutters on the windows are flapping in the wind," Hana responded.

"Typically, there is no wind," Doomfist looked up to the higher floors and shouted towards them, "There's no fucking wind, you dopey twats! This doesn't even make any sense!"

He caught a glimpse of a partially transparent girl, who moved out of view, behind a curtain.

"Yeah, you! I'm talking to you, you ghost-ass shit! Fuck me, why do they even bother."

Doomfist half-heartedly walked up to the front door, and reached out to grab the door handle. As his hand wrapped around the metal, a soft voice whistled through the wind, "Go... back..."

"Hmm, gee, let me think about this. How about... no! I'm down to my last ten bucks, and that weird family down at the shack that all speak simultaneously in monotonous voices, promised me two hundred to come clear you nerds out. I mean, it's pretty obvious they're in on this too, now I think about it.

"Probably should have just outright mugged them, there and then, but I guess it's too late for that now, because their house in the middle of the woods has probably mysteriously disappeared, or some dumb shit like that," The Successor was not happy being here, and despite his long rant at the voice in the breeze, he rather quickly opened the door to the haunted house. Not to his surprise, the other side of the door was bricked up."

"Holy shit, where do you guys find your bloody architects? Why put a door on a brick wall? How is this even meant to be scary? Maybe if I was an architect myself, with a major cased of OCD, but I'm neither an architect, nor do I have OCD. This is just slightly irritating. What have you ghosts come to, that your only ability, is to 'slightly irritate' us mere mortals?" he threw his hands up in annoyance, then turned to Dva, who stepped back to let him use his gauntlet, "See, I _COULD_ go and search around the back of the house, as you clearly want me to, but that requires walking, and I'm not much of a walking type, so..." he smashed at the wall, breaking it apart, "I'm not going to make a 'here's Johnny joke. I'm not dropping to your level."

The two stepped through the opening, in to a room much larger than the outside implied, "and now spatial distortion, such scary, much haunt, wow. You see what you're doing to me? Now I'm spouting dank memes, just to make this experience seem somewhat worth it. Hana, hand me the matches, let's burn this place down." but no response came, "Hana?" he turned around, but she wasn't there.

"Oh my god... Hana! Dva! Where are you?! YOU BASTARDS, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH- nah, I'm just kidding, I don't give a shit," he walked to one of the doors on the edge of the room, "Oh boy, I wonder, could she possibly be behind this door with-" the light of the room flickered as silhouettes of a group of children rushed past a nearby window, accompanied by the sound of youthful laughter.

"Shut the fuck up! I'm trying to be witty, here!" he yelled towards the window, then turned back to the door,

"I was saying: Could she possibly be behind this door with the Satanic looking symbols on it, and the words 'Help me, Doomfist' scratched below them? What a real mystery this is turning out to be!", the door handle was surrounded by a series of ancient looking padlock devices. As Doomfist reached out to examine one, it began to morph in to a distressed looking face, and let out a haunting scream.

"Holy fuck, looks like Ebenezer Scrooge wants his door back, what the fuck, guys. A Christmas Carol is literally the LEAST haunting thing I've ever read. No, what am I saying? Calling this Ebenezer Scrooge's door is too much of a compliment, this is more like Scrooge McDuck's door."

He stepped back to examine the other doors in the room that had now changed aesthetically to that of a rusting asylum.

Doomfist rolled his eyes, "Seven doors and seven locks. So I guess I'm supposed to go through these too spoopy rooms and find each key, huh?"

He hefted the Gauntlet over his head, "not today matey, POWERR! "

With full force, he brought his fist down on the locks, knocking them out of place. The door swung open.

On the other side, he saw a dark room, where Hana was tied to a post with a red bracelet in front of her, and surrounded by a circle of candles, "Hey, Song" he nodded to her,

"'sup", she replied.

He stepped in to the room, and the door slammed closed behind him.

"I was going to tell you this was a trap, but it seemed like a waste of breath," the exhausted gamer said, shrugging her shoulders.

"No shit," replied Doomfist, as he ran a hand across his face in annoyance.

From the shadows of each of the four corners of the room, stepped a person. The members of the family that had requested the two go to this house in the first place.

Doomfist just spread his arms out, and looked up at the ceiling, "WHAT A TWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIST" he cried aloud, then looking around at his assailants again, he asked, "so which of you has the two hundred bucks?"

They slowly began to walk towards him, each brandishing a rusty dagger in their right hand.

"Well those knives aren't going to sell for shit, they're all rusted up. Fuck it." he swung his fist down on the bracelet in front of Dva, shattering it. The four family members screamed, as their bodies lit up in a bright white light, illuminating the room, and then as suddenly as it had began, the lights faded in to nothingness. He and Hana remained alone, in the leftovers of a dilapidated house.

"Fuck off, even the bracelet disappeared. Some of the jewels in that could have sold for a few bucks," he sat down and threw his arms up again, in disbelief.

"Man, that was a waste of time," the gremlin said standing up and brushing herself down.

"Fuck our lives, Song. Fuck our lives."

 **Let me know if you got all the meme references, 'oh god I love Memes!'**

 **Obviously this is just a silly twist in a horror story where the Doomfist is the victim but he doesn't give a shit. He's just there for the cash.**

 **Reviews are always welcome and let me know if you want this to be a series though I'd have to think a while to top this chapter in that case.**


	2. My apologies

Now that doomfist is released and we know how he is, I truly apologize for the disaster I have created :(

Feedback is appreciated.


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